Don't Open Till Christmas (1984)

Christmas is just around the corner, which means yours truly will soon be overindulging in egg nog and holiday themed slashers. This year, I set aside my regular viewing in favor of some lesser known films that never really grabbed my attention before. The first of those is Don't Open Till Christmas, a 1984 British "whodunit" starring (and sort of directed by) the late Edmund Purdom. My first brush with this one was at a Christmas Eve party a few years ago. I put it on when things started to die down, but fell asleep around the 30 minute mark. Maybe I was too high? Maybe the movie was just really boring? The only way to know for sure was to watch it with a clear head, and after doing so I wouldn't suggest it to anyone.

The plot for Don't Open Till Christmas is simple enough. So simple, in fact, that this will probably be my shortest review ever. Basically, some guy is going around killing anyone dressed in a Santa suit. Hes pretty ballsy too, considering he rams a sword through some dudes skull in the middle of a Christmas party. The victim is young Kate Briosky's (Belinda Mayne) father. Once word of the murder gets out, detective Ian Harris (Edmund Purdom) teams up with Kate and her boyfriend to get to the bottom of things. The next hour consists of scenes of the police investigation at New Scotland Yard interspersed with the occasional santa killing for good measure. Some weirdo who claims to be a reporter named Giles comes into the picture and begins asking questions about the murders, and the bodies continue to pile up. Blah blah blah, you get the point.

                                 

Don't Open Till Christmas is a very misleading title for a film that looks like it takes place in the middle of April. The atmosphere is terrible, and at times seeing a guy in a santa suit was the only thing there to remind me that this film DOES in fact, take place around Christmas. I know that the UK went through the whole "video nasties" thing in the 80's, so I wasn't expecting much in the gore department. Surprisingly there were one or two cool kills (including a dude who gets his cock lobbed off), but the rest were easily forgettable. I'm not kidding... I honestly don't even remember how half of the people in this movie died. The ending was one of the funniest things I have seen in awhile an--- dude, you know what? I'm just going to spoil this for you guys. No one should have to sit through this dreck so here you go.

Detective Harris receives a package in the mail that says "Don't Open Till Christmas" and, for whatever reason, abides. When he finally does open it, he quickly learns that its a bomb. A bomb from his brother, Giles... the so called reporter guy. Giles was traumatized as a child on Christmas when he caught his father in a santa suit having an affair with some random. The boys mother also sees this and is so shocked that she falls down a staircase to her death.  Giles was sent to the nuthouse and his detective brother did everything in his power to cover it up, but ultimately gets blown to bits. So....theres your big reveal.

Back to the bomb though! That shit was AWESOME. The whole thing literally takes place in a matter of seconds... so if you blink you might miss it. I think that, combined with the fact that the scene literally comes out of nowhere is what had me doubled over with laughter. Its just cheaply tacked on at the end... and as soon as the package starts to explode, the screen immediately fades to black and credits roll. If only the other 77 minutes of the film were this entertaining...

Don't Open Till Christmas? Don't Open this one at all.

1.5/5

BROADS OF THE MONTH!

HIIII-EEEE! Its Gabbie Bam Bam folks! and I'm here to contribute the following images for your viewing pleasure. I hope you enjoy these snapshot moments as I have had the pleasure pausing to capture them! ENJOY THEM STICKY SWEET! ;)

"...I NEED IT LIKE A HOLE IN THE HEAD"

HAZEL OCONNOR OF BREAKING GLASS

 BREAKING GLASS (BRIAN GIBSON 1980): Its one of those movies where "doing anything it takes" to "make it" can really make you wanna puke. With everything from nazis, to heroin junkies and just plain exhaustion from selling out to the masses, Hazel O'Connor plays Punk/New Wave singer KATE. She brings her talented vox  (not to mention beautiful style) to the screen. With original songs written by Hazel they definitely make anyone who isn't a New Wave fan (or anyone ignorant of the genre) at least tickled by the notion that such music DID exist! O'Connor was given many a credit to her role as a tired punk princess who's impoverished rags have been refined to cover her ass from the pricks of "medication" the doctor sticks in her buttocks with a syringe keep her going and performing even though she is reluctant to do so... YIKES baby, YIKES.
Watch this knowing that LADY GAGA only wishes she had the originality that came so naturally to such a vibrant face and VOICE of HAZEL O'CONNOR!!!

RISE AND SHINE WITH SUZANNE STONE-MARETTO 

RISE AND SHINE! WITH SUZANNE STONE

TO DIE FOR (GUS VAN ZANT 1995): AHH YES, SUZANNE STONE (NICOLE KIDMAN). ANOTHER ANTI-HEROINE WHO DECIDES TO DO "WHATEVER IT TAKES" TO MAKE IT TO STARDOM... EVEN IF THAT STARDOM IS A WEATHER GIRL ON A LOCAL CABLE NETWORK. IN THIS DARK HUMORED MOVIE BROUGHT TO YOU BY NONE OTHER THAN ONE OF MY FAVORITE DIRECTORS; SUZANNE STONE IS OBSESSED WITH THE IDEA OF BECOMING FAMOUS! SO MUCH SO THAT SHE EVEN ENLISTS THE HELP OF THREE NAIEVE TEENAGERS TO HELP HER MURDER HER HUSBAND (OR SHE AT LEAST SEDUCES THEM EACH INTO KILLING MR. MARETTO  AHEM, MATT DILLON :SWOON: FOR HER!) 

ALTHOUGH SUZANNE IS A PSYCHOPATHIC SEDUCTRESS, I CANNOT HELP BUT FALL IN LOVE WITH HER INGENIUS FASHION SENSE TO MATCH SEXUALITY WITH TACKY 80'S COLORS THAT WOULD MAKE ANY MAN AND WOMAN ALIKE FALL MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER! AND HER DEDICATION TO TV SUPERSEDES MY OWN!

GABBIE BAM BAM SIGNING OFF FOLKS! 
XOXOXO

HAPPY VIEWING AND CHEERS! TO THE VIDIOTS OF THE WORLD!!!!!