Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012)

I was anticipating my next trip to the DMV more than the release of Wrong Turn 5, the latest in a long running list of sequels to a film that wasn't THAT great to begin with. Unfortunately, the latter came first. Okay, okay... maybe I'm being a bit too harsh. To be honest, I really liked the original Wrong Turn when it came out back in 2003. Eliza Dushku was a total babe, the scares were existent, and those hillbillies sure were grotesque. Did the film actually do well enough to merit a sequel though? I got my answer four years later in 2007 when Wrong Turn 2: Dead End was released STV. I wasn't even going to bother with it until I realized that none other than Henry FUCKING Rollins had a lead role in the thing. I caved, watched it, and discovered that it too was an okay film. Just OK though! I definitely didn't expect to see any more movies bearing the Wrong Turn name, but ever since that fateful day in 2007 it seems like they just keep on comin'. I guess in a way I'm part of the problem. No matter how bad I KNOW the sequels are, I gleefully continue to pick them up every time they're released with hope that maybe... just MAYBE, they've done something differently this time around. Is Wrong Turn 5 a breath of fresh air for a series that should have died long ago, or is it the coupe de grace? You probably don't even need to read this review to know the answer to that question, but I'd appreciate it if you did anyway.

When this flick started out I immediately thought that, like Wrong Turn 4, it would be set in another time period. The opening title cards explain how the town of West Virginia was founded in 1814 and by 1817 every resident had disappeared. "Oh God, not another prequel." I thought to myself. Look, I'll just come right out and say that I FUCKING HATE period pieces... especially ones that are set before the 1940's. In fact, the only one I ever really enjoyed was The Awakening... but thats a whole different story.

Thankfully for me, they cut to present day and I was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. A news reporter blabs about how the Mountain Man festival is about to be underway, and before I can even begin to draw smart ass comparisons between "Mountain Man" and "Burning Man" she explains the differences between the two and signs off. Damnit. Whatever, she'll be dead soon anyway. While jogging in the woods shes attacked by the three hillbillies before a mysterious man pulls her to safety. "Thank God for you!" she exclaims. The guy assures her that the coast is clear, then lures her out of hiding and after saying "oh, one more thing...", chops her to bits with an axe. It seems the same hillbillies from the first film have a new leader... a man by the name of Maynard Odetts. I guess hes kinfolk or something, but they never explain how he came into contact with them (I'm sure it wasn't Facebook). One thing I noticed is that he doesn't sound like ANYONE I know from West Virginia. He is British. It is noticeable. Then again, this is Wrong Turn 5. Can I really complain about bad casting? After this opening kill we are introduced to the "main characters" (AKA victims), that will ultimately be picked off one by one. They're all kinda lame and I wasn't really able to relate to any of them. One dude had a shitload of drugs though, so I guess he was pretty cool. I mean seriously, this dude had a schedule for taking them and everything.

- Weed: For the camp out
- Ecstasy: For trick or treating
- Mushrooms: For when the bands start playing

             

Where is this guy in my friend circle? NOWHERE, because people like this don't FUCKING EXIST. As you can see everyone is really excited and well prepared for the Burning Ma--- oops, I mean... MOUNTAIN MAN festival. Then, good ol' Maynard deliberately steps out into the middle of the road as the kids are driving... causing them to crash into a tree. He lays there, playing dead until they finally approach him. When they get close enough he attacks as his inbred buddies watch in the woods from a distance. I was expecting the kids to spend the next hour running through the forest screaming "Help!", but in an interesting turn of events the police arrive mid-fight and botch the cannibals entire plan. After some brief questioning Maynard and the kids are both placed under arrest and taken downtown. The main officer asks a deputy to stay behind and wait for the tow truck to arrive and hes like "Yeah, okay. I'll stay here and dick around, texting on my phone." After everyone else peels out the hillbillies emerge from the woods and tear him to bits. The one inbred dude with the bow (guy that looks like the killer from Curtains, see below)

loads that shit TWICE in less than a second and lands arrows in each of the officers legs. Helluva shot, I must say. Back at the police station the kids debate over who will take the rap for the drug charges. The rich blonde haired kid decides hes the man for the job, and the others are set free/told to stay in a nearby hotel. While looking up everyones criminal backgrounds, the lady officer in charge discovers that Maynard is a "pretty big deal" and phones the U.S. Marshall to pick him up in the morning. But, he doesn't care because hes fucking MAYNARD man! The name of the film is BLOODLINES! If the past four films have taught us anything... hes going to survive because his relatives will come to his aid and together, these four fools will destroy an entire town by dawn. He makes smart ass remarks from his cell as his kinfolk make their way towards the jailhouse and we're left wondering who will ultimately survive.

Thats it. Thats really all you need to know. Theres no character development, and the only element of surprise is not knowing who will be killed next. I say this because they are all equally stupid and right when you think you MAY have found a hero or heroine in someone, they wind up dead as a door nail. You never get to see a cool massacre at Mountain Man or anything like that either. Hell, you don't even get to see how the festival went. I was kinda looking forward to seeing that band the kids were talking about, The Cheetah Whores, perform too. :(

Nope... none of that.

The majority of the film takes place inside of a police station and the ghost town surrounding it. I WILL say that the film makers have succeeded in one department, and that is making me hate the villains. I know, I know... you're SUPPOSED to hate the villains, but I mean... I REALLY hated these fuckers. A lot of it stems from the fact that they always get away. I find it hard to believe that an entire township can't take down three disfigured retards whos entire arsenal consists of bow and arrows and Bowie knives. This family has apparently been killing people in small town West Virginia since the 1800's and NO ONE has been able to stop them? Its all very, very stupid. FUCK... If just ONE of them died I would feel like I got some sort of payoff and the entire film would make a lot more sense. But noooooooooo, these guys are flawless killers. I think Curtains dude got shot in the leg once but it didn't even phase him. Fuck him. Fuck this movie. Other than the hatred of the villains, the only positive thing I can say about Wrong Turn 5 is that its not nearly as CGI - heavy as Wrong Turn 3. This results in a couple of cool kills... but cool kills aren't enough to save a film that I feel like I've seen five times now. I guess all thats left to do at this point is forget I ever watched this crap and accept the inevitable: Wrong Turn 6 will be released next fall, and I'll end up watching it.

            

Score: 1/5

GRINGO AKA STORY OF A JUNKIE (1987) Lech Kowalski

I'm not exactly sure when I started becoming completely enamored with the story of the lonely and anti-heroic nature of DRUG ADDICTS. It first started during high school when instead of hanging out with the friends I didn't have, I would peruse the aisles of my favorite independent video rental joint (Video Americain) in search of something shocking, and almost erotically stimulating to help me escape from the life I didn't want but was faithfully leading.
So before I start the first review to kick this little project off here's a timeline of events that happened in my life that pertains to the subject matter being reviewed: DRUGS.
My first love affair with HEROIN was when i was at the ripe bold age of 17 years old and straight outta high school. Being physically, mentally and sexually abused as a child  (even self abused no less) i started acting out, or rather in. I started listening to whiny ass music and experimenting. Heroin was the first REAL drug I had ever really tried. Sex was a bore, music and drugs seemed to go hand in hand for me. I am completely obsessed with movies, books, and the overall history of DRUGS. I find them fascinating mostly because I have tried the ones that have interested me the most and can relate to a lot of the stories I see, hear and read about. So here it is my overall view and review of GRINGO AKA STORY OF A JUNKIE

I had first heard about this movie through a friend who had told me recently that every movie I watched about drug abuse would NEVER COMPARE TO THIS ONE! I was immediately enthralled with the notion that there was something that I could not only relate to but also be absolutely appalled by. The story opens with John Spacely skateboarding around New York City. This is the New York City I had wanted to live in since I can remember. I know it may sound crazy but before Giuliani cleaned up the city the notion of an Apocalyptic city within reach of my grasp was a dream come true. The fact that the scum of the earth was ruling the town thrilled me mostly because I WAS THAT SCUM OF THE EARTH. Women tricking, johns collecting and every junkie in Manhattan lined up for their dope was the New York City i had never believed existed. The scenes were RAW and reminded me of times when I couldn't find a vein or when you got robbed out of a deal. Lech Kowalski directs this grim picture into the mind and times of a junkie and does it so well. Along with the intense music that scores the movie I'd say its not only hard to watch but also hard to listen to at times. 

Few may know this, but John Spacely was an early ( I mean REAL early) publisher of PUNK magazine. He was born and raised in Santa Monica, California where mischief and minor drug habits first started and moved with his girlfriend to Berkeley in Northern California. Hard times saw the couple who again made the move, this time to New York City for a new and better life. As John tells this part of his story (while shooting up no less) you can hear the moment when he lost hope. The ultimate despair that led to his drug abuse and further sorrow is seen through his prodding for a vein to escape the stark reality of death. Lech Kowalski also adds other junkers in the film by portraying a group of women having a raw conversation about being female junkies. Seriously, this director was making a punk film, all he had to do was edit the drugs out (even though he may not have had a film at all). His punk rock n roll stylings are truly evident in BORN TO LOSE: THE LAST ROCK N ROLL MOVIE as well as DOA. Spacely also stars in the first with a crazy fucking detail I'm omitting because its a spoiler! At times this movie was hard to watch, there is the glimmer of hope in Spacely's eyes when hes trying to quit... or "kick". The worst part was watching this motherfucker get dopesick! My bones ached just watching him toss and turn under and above the covers! Is there an ending? Is it a never ending downward spiral for GRINGO?

You'll have to see it to fucking believe it. Not for yeller bellies, and certainly not for anyone in denial about the realities of this world.

** SCORE: 5/5

FOR FANS OF: PANIC IN NEEDLE PARK, PERMANENT MIDNIGHT,CHRISTIANE F,DRUGSTORE COWBOY, TRAINSPOTTING

Reviewed by MARK E. MOON

Maniac Cop (1988)

As a kid, Maniac Cop (not to be confused with Psycho Cop) terrified me. I dunno if it was the big ass face on Robert Z'Dar, or the fact that a police officer, whos very job is to "serve and protect", suddenly starts killing anyone he comes into contact with. Either way, watching these films back to back on UPN in the late 90's used to freak me the FUCK OUT. I may have completely forgotten about them too, if it weren't for being bored at my girlfriends house a few weeks ago. While sifting through her DVD's I stumbled across a movie called "Bone: A Larry Cohen Film", and, like any NORMAL person, went straight to IMDB to look through Larry Cohen's entire filmography. Cohen is one of my favorite writers/directors, so why hadn't I heard of "Bone" before? Also, why was I totally unaware that he and William Lustig were responsible for Maniac Cop 1, 2, AND 3? Maybe he wasn't one of my favorites after all. I mean, I really liked It's Alive, and LOVED The Stuff an- whatever. Point is, browsing IMDB once again piqued my interest in the Maniac Cop flicks and I had to see how they had aged with time. What better place to start than numero uno?

The film opens with some chick leaving work on foot on the streets of shitty, 80's-era New York City. Its no surprise that shes attacked along the way by two men who are attempting to steal her purse. After a bit of a struggle, she manages to break free and bump into a police officer at the end of the street. This guy proves to be anything but helpful, and as the two criminals watch from a distance the officer strangles the girl and snaps her neck. The thieves are later arrested and explain that it wasn't them who killed the woman, rather, a cop. Normally this theory would be thrown out the window, but after detective Frank McCrae (played by the wonderful Tom Atkins) has a word with the coroner, (who explains that the victims spine has been separated and her larynx crushed) he starts to buy into it. Unfortunately we learn that McCrae also attempted suicide a few years ago after his partner was killed in the line of duty, so the commissioner doesn't really care to take him seriously. In fact, he thinks the dudes been a little off ever since.

Meanwhile, the mysterious cop continues his killing spree... purposely leaving an eyewitness the second time around and finally putting that nifty sword he keeps in his holster to good use. The mayor fights to cover up the "serial killer cop" story, but McCrae meets with a publicist and helps blows the lid off the sumbitch. Soon, the entire city is living in fear... suspecting everyone with a badge of being a murderer. Hell, even Jack Forrest's own wife thinks hes up to no good! Forrest (played by Bruce Campbell) IS a sneaky bastard AND a police officer, but hes no serial killer. When the wife follows him to "work" one evening she learns this the hard way. He leads her to a dingy motel room, where she opens the door to find him having an affair with another girl from the precinct (Laurene Landon). Before he can explain himself, Jack's ol' lady storms out of the joint while holding him at gunpoint. On the trek back home, she is abducted by our beloved nutcase with the badge and killed. Talk about a setup! All Forrest was trying to do was get some new chase and now not only is his wife dead, shes been stuffed in the same hotel room that he was using the night before. The newspaper clippings that she collected regarding the murders (for whatever reason) don't help his case at all, and neither do the journal entries she had written addressing her concerns that he might be the killer. All of this "evidence" leads the police to believe they've found their guy and it isn't long before he is placed under arrest.

BUT, the murders don't end there and neither do McCrae's suspicions. Who's really at fault here? What is the motive behind all of these killings? Is this person a member of the precinct?  If not, do they have someone on the inside gathering information for them?

I can honestly say that I enjoy this film now just as much as I did 15 years ago. I thought the plot was a lot stronger than most 80's slashers and didn't rely on an unnecessary amount of gore to keep its audience entertained. I was genuinely interested in what was going on, and when the killers back story was finally revealed I actually sympathized with 'em a little. My one complaint would have to be Bruce Campbell's role as Jack Forrest. Before I'm burned at the stake, hear me out! I fucking love BC but this was his first role outside of the Evil Dead series and for that reason I had a hard time taking him seriously. I was expecting a at least a LITTLE cheese from his character but he was all business and I found that hard to swallow. On the other hand, the killers "big reveal" makes up for the lack of cheese tenfold . You don't see his face until the last 10 minutes of the film and in a way I wish I never did. Hes terrifying in the shadows when you can't see his features, but when you finally do get a good look at them you'll either chuckle or, like me, find yourself very disappointed.  Savini and Lustig may have worked together on Maniac back in 1980, but its obvious that Tom didn't have a hand in the SFX work here!

Whatever, Maniac Cop still rules. Its a good flick for anyone with an hour and a half to kill... and a must see for anyone who calls themselves a fan of the slasher genre.

Score: 3.5/5