I was anticipating my next trip to the DMV more than the release of Wrong Turn 5, the latest in a long running list of sequels to a film that wasn't THAT great to begin with. Unfortunately, the latter came first. Okay, okay... maybe I'm being a bit too harsh. To be honest, I really liked the original Wrong Turn when it came out back in 2003. Eliza Dushku was a total babe, the scares were existent, and those hillbillies sure were grotesque. Did the film actually do well enough to merit a sequel though? I got my answer four years later in 2007 when Wrong Turn 2: Dead End was released STV. I wasn't even going to bother with it until I realized that none other than Henry FUCKING Rollins had a lead role in the thing. I caved, watched it, and discovered that it too was an okay film. Just OK though! I definitely didn't expect to see any more movies bearing the Wrong Turn name, but ever since that fateful day in 2007 it seems like they just keep on comin'. I guess in a way I'm part of the problem. No matter how bad I KNOW the sequels are, I gleefully continue to pick them up every time they're released with hope that maybe... just MAYBE, they've done something differently this time around. Is Wrong Turn 5 a breath of fresh air for a series that should have died long ago, or is it the coupe de grace? You probably don't even need to read this review to know the answer to that question, but I'd appreciate it if you did anyway.
When this flick started out I immediately thought that, like Wrong Turn 4, it would be set in another time period. The opening title cards explain how the town of West Virginia was founded in 1814 and by 1817 every resident had disappeared. "Oh God, not another prequel." I thought to myself. Look, I'll just come right out and say that I FUCKING HATE period pieces... especially ones that are set before the 1940's. In fact, the only one I ever really enjoyed was The Awakening... but thats a whole different story.
Thankfully for me, they cut to present day and I was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. A news reporter blabs about how the Mountain Man festival is about to be underway, and before I can even begin to draw smart ass comparisons between "Mountain Man" and "Burning Man" she explains the differences between the two and signs off. Damnit. Whatever, she'll be dead soon anyway. While jogging in the woods shes attacked by the three hillbillies before a mysterious man pulls her to safety. "Thank God for you!" she exclaims. The guy assures her that the coast is clear, then lures her out of hiding and after saying "oh, one more thing...", chops her to bits with an axe. It seems the same hillbillies from the first film have a new leader... a man by the name of Maynard Odetts. I guess hes kinfolk or something, but they never explain how he came into contact with them (I'm sure it wasn't Facebook). One thing I noticed is that he doesn't sound like ANYONE I know from West Virginia. He is British. It is noticeable. Then again, this is Wrong Turn 5. Can I really complain about bad casting? After this opening kill we are introduced to the "main characters" (AKA victims), that will ultimately be picked off one by one. They're all kinda lame and I wasn't really able to relate to any of them. One dude had a shitload of drugs though, so I guess he was pretty cool. I mean seriously, this dude had a schedule for taking them and everything.
- Weed: For the camp out
- Ecstasy: For trick or treating
- Mushrooms: For when the bands start playing
Where is this guy in my friend circle? NOWHERE, because people like this don't FUCKING EXIST. As you can see everyone is really excited and well prepared for the Burning Ma--- oops, I mean... MOUNTAIN MAN festival. Then, good ol' Maynard deliberately steps out into the middle of the road as the kids are driving... causing them to crash into a tree. He lays there, playing dead until they finally approach him. When they get close enough he attacks as his inbred buddies watch in the woods from a distance. I was expecting the kids to spend the next hour running through the forest screaming "Help!", but in an interesting turn of events the police arrive mid-fight and botch the cannibals entire plan. After some brief questioning Maynard and the kids are both placed under arrest and taken downtown. The main officer asks a deputy to stay behind and wait for the tow truck to arrive and hes like "Yeah, okay. I'll stay here and dick around, texting on my phone." After everyone else peels out the hillbillies emerge from the woods and tear him to bits. The one inbred dude with the bow (guy that looks like the killer from Curtains, see below)
loads that shit TWICE in less than a second and lands arrows in each of the officers legs. Helluva shot, I must say. Back at the police station the kids debate over who will take the rap for the drug charges. The rich blonde haired kid decides hes the man for the job, and the others are set free/told to stay in a nearby hotel. While looking up everyones criminal backgrounds, the lady officer in charge discovers that Maynard is a "pretty big deal" and phones the U.S. Marshall to pick him up in the morning. But, he doesn't care because hes fucking MAYNARD man! The name of the film is BLOODLINES! If the past four films have taught us anything... hes going to survive because his relatives will come to his aid and together, these four fools will destroy an entire town by dawn. He makes smart ass remarks from his cell as his kinfolk make their way towards the jailhouse and we're left wondering who will ultimately survive.
Thats it. Thats really all you need to know. Theres no character development, and the only element of surprise is not knowing who will be killed next. I say this because they are all equally stupid and right when you think you MAY have found a hero or heroine in someone, they wind up dead as a door nail. You never get to see a cool massacre at Mountain Man or anything like that either. Hell, you don't even get to see how the festival went. I was kinda looking forward to seeing that band the kids were talking about, The Cheetah Whores, perform too. :(
Nope... none of that.
The majority of the film takes place inside of a police station and the ghost town surrounding it. I WILL say that the film makers have succeeded in one department, and that is making me hate the villains. I know, I know... you're SUPPOSED to hate the villains, but I mean... I REALLY hated these fuckers. A lot of it stems from the fact that they always get away. I find it hard to believe that an entire township can't take down three disfigured retards whos entire arsenal consists of bow and arrows and Bowie knives. This family has apparently been killing people in small town West Virginia since the 1800's and NO ONE has been able to stop them? Its all very, very stupid. FUCK... If just ONE of them died I would feel like I got some sort of payoff and the entire film would make a lot more sense. But noooooooooo, these guys are flawless killers. I think Curtains dude got shot in the leg once but it didn't even phase him. Fuck him. Fuck this movie. Other than the hatred of the villains, the only positive thing I can say about Wrong Turn 5 is that its not nearly as CGI - heavy as Wrong Turn 3. This results in a couple of cool kills... but cool kills aren't enough to save a film that I feel like I've seen five times now. I guess all thats left to do at this point is forget I ever watched this crap and accept the inevitable: Wrong Turn 6 will be released next fall, and I'll end up watching it.
Thats it. Thats really all you need to know. Theres no character development, and the only element of surprise is not knowing who will be killed next. I say this because they are all equally stupid and right when you think you MAY have found a hero or heroine in someone, they wind up dead as a door nail. You never get to see a cool massacre at Mountain Man or anything like that either. Hell, you don't even get to see how the festival went. I was kinda looking forward to seeing that band the kids were talking about, The Cheetah Whores, perform too. :(
Nope... none of that.
The majority of the film takes place inside of a police station and the ghost town surrounding it. I WILL say that the film makers have succeeded in one department, and that is making me hate the villains. I know, I know... you're SUPPOSED to hate the villains, but I mean... I REALLY hated these fuckers. A lot of it stems from the fact that they always get away. I find it hard to believe that an entire township can't take down three disfigured retards whos entire arsenal consists of bow and arrows and Bowie knives. This family has apparently been killing people in small town West Virginia since the 1800's and NO ONE has been able to stop them? Its all very, very stupid. FUCK... If just ONE of them died I would feel like I got some sort of payoff and the entire film would make a lot more sense. But noooooooooo, these guys are flawless killers. I think Curtains dude got shot in the leg once but it didn't even phase him. Fuck him. Fuck this movie. Other than the hatred of the villains, the only positive thing I can say about Wrong Turn 5 is that its not nearly as CGI - heavy as Wrong Turn 3. This results in a couple of cool kills... but cool kills aren't enough to save a film that I feel like I've seen five times now. I guess all thats left to do at this point is forget I ever watched this crap and accept the inevitable: Wrong Turn 6 will be released next fall, and I'll end up watching it.
Score: 1/5
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